Also i need to come up with a title! HAs anyone got any ideas! It would be as real help...

Thanks x x x

As I stare into the dark abyss that is my ceiling and vision what it is to be and to feel happy. My lungs corrupted, pressured, my breathing uneasy, unsteady. My pulse beating at an unstoppable rate, out of time and spurred only by pain and anguish.

Past memories engulf my mind trying to remember a time in my life when I felt happy, when my heart wasn't bitter and the idea of love didn't un-nerve me.
As my feelings churn up my insides and I'm overwhelmed by sickness,
past friends voices echo in my head.

They call my name; this soon turns to a chant.
My head aches, flashbacks of my past make it impossible to move on.
My past weighing me down like a sinking ship, I'm drowning in my own sorrow,
gasping for breath as it anchors me down!

I feel more alone then ever, the pain I've experienced fades and I'm left feeling numb, only the occasional sharp pain races down my spine.
It's too late to be sorry what's done is done; trying to change the past only complicates the future. The scars imbedded in my mind, never to be forgotten nor forgiven.

My heart stops dead, my blood flow slows down.
The world seems silent, slow and bewildering.
I loosen my clenched fists and relax my tense eyelids.
I'm not dead nor am I alive; I just lay paralysed and transfixed yet un-nerved.

All seems calm until a gust of wind blows swiftly through the window and kisses my cheek; it smells so pure it surrounds my body.
The voices still chant my name they're calling to me, reaching to me.
They whisper in my ear, although I can't quite make out what they say.

My heart starts to beat yet again faster and quicker then ever before,
My eyes open, it seems all attempts to forget the past failed and a bitter taste remains in my mouth. No clearer life seems, still complicated and full of ups and downs.

I didn't see the light, not now, not ever. No silver lining do I discover no greener grass to find. So many expectations in life, but nobody's perfect however hard you try.

My dark ceiling has no answers, however hard I stare. Its not going to change my life it's not going to turn back the clock. I lie startled; so many questions fill my head "Why are we here?" "What purpose do we serve?" Maybe this is all part of growing up.

You get no map to guide you, no set of instructions telling you how to progress on life's journey. Only rules which we have to learn to follow life is like a boat you must learn how to sail. If there's no such thing as perfect, why do we try so hard to perfect ourselves? We're never going to be what others want us to be. I'm filled with so much hatred.

I guess I'll never know the key to happiness, I guess my ceiling will always be the thing I turn to for answers. Though it's silent, all is silent, so cold so quiet so lonely. What is happiness? How do you know when you're happy?

Is it just a gut feeling? It's not like you get a written statement. Can you ever be completely fulfilled, or do we always want what we haven't got and do we always want to be who we're not?

Is there a difference between being content and being happy?  How do you know when you're one or the other, for some people being content isn't good enough.
I guess I'm one of those people.

They say the heart never lies but mine has told many; fake smiles I smile, fake tears I have cried, Fake friends I have befriended. Alas this is not friendship its tolerance, something of which I once lacked but learnt to have.

The faint moonlight still lights up the night sky, making all the stars that surround it look inferior and unworthy. Rays of silver moonlight pierce through my curtains and blind me. The night, charcoal black the stars seem painted on. The sky like their canvas.  

The trees outside dance their shadow on my ceiling, still half blinded by the distant moonlight I watch. Its branches sway violently almost like a show of arms waving in motion, dancing to the tune of the wind.


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I Fuking Love The Medic Droid Fer Sure
Remember My Name You'll Be Screaming It Later

I think it's pretty good!

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I like my coffee black, just like my metal. :)